I learned this years ago, but it stuck: in many cultures, when a child does something well, they hear “it shows how much you worked on this.” In the US, that same kid often hears “you’re so talented.”
The difference is profound.
Attribution Matters
One response attributes success to effort—something entirely within the child’s control. The other attributes it to inherent talent—something fixed, something they either have or don’t.
This isn’t just semantics. It shapes how children understand success and failure. If you believe your achievements come from talent, what happens when you struggle? You assume you’ve hit your limit. If you believe they come from effort, struggle means you haven’t worked hard enough yet.
The Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
This is the difference between a fixed mindset (talent-based) and a growth mindset (effort-based).
Kids with a growth mindset embrace challenges as opportunities to improve. They persist through setbacks, see effort as the path to mastery, and learn from criticism. Kids with a fixed mindset do the opposite—they avoid challenges that might expose limitations, give up when things get hard, and take criticism personally because it threatens their self-image.
The mindset we foster through our words has real consequences.
How I Practice This
I learned about this distinction when my first daughter was just born. It became something I internalized immediately—a lens I couldn’t unsee once I understood it.
From the beginning, I’ve been intentional about how I praise. My instinct is still to say “you’re so smart” or “you’re naturally good at this.” It feels good to say. Kids beam when they hear it. But I’ve trained myself to pause and reframe. Instead of “you’re so talented,” I say “I can see how hard you worked on this.” Instead of “you’re so smart,” I say “I love how you figured that out.” Instead of “you’re a natural,” I say “your practice is really paying off.”
It’s not always easy. The fixed-mindset language is deeply embedded in how we talk. But I’ve been doing this for years now, and it’s become second nature.
The Real Block Isn’t Talent—It’s the Belief in Talent
This isn’t just about how we raise kids. It’s about the limiting beliefs we carry about ourselves.
How many people say “I’m not good at math” as if it’s an immutable fact about who they are? Or “I’m not creative” or “I’m not athletic” or “I don’t have a technical mind”? These aren’t statements about reality—they’re self-fulfilling prophecies that become true precisely because we believe them.
The notion of talent is a real block. It gives us permission to stop trying. It lets us off the hook. “I’m just not wired that way” becomes an acceptable reason to never attempt something, never struggle, never improve.
I genuinely believe I could learn to do anything because the brain is remarkably good at learning things. I may be too lazy to put in the required time. I may be too old to justify the investment. But that’s not a problem of potential—it’s a problem of priorities and effort.
When we shift from “I don’t have the talent” to “I haven’t put in the time,” everything changes. The barrier isn’t who we are. It’s what we’re willing to do.
